Saturday, August 30, 2014
This morning started nicely, but I tire easily. Went to Walmart and had to sit out the grocery shopping about midway, leaving Donna to do the middle. Hard to focus on the words on boxes and cans for part of it, but not other. Went to the car to doze while Donna checked out.
Dizzy getting out of the car. Tired in Price Cutter and sat out half of her shopping. Dozed in a chair there. When I checked my blood pressure there it was very, very good, for me at least. So that wasn't it. I texted Donna with the numbers.
After lunch I went to bed to nap a couple of minutes after 12, using my CPAP until I awoke at close to 2:30 and snoozed again until Donna got home a few minutes after 3.
I was easily confused while watching TV tonight. 9 pm bedtime and I am VERY ready.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
A Good Day
Friday, August 29, 2014
This was a good day. A really good day. This morning I mowed the front lawn and trimmed a few bushes. It took me two hours and, after taking out the time for naps, was merely half-again as long as I would normally do it. I am so glad James talked me into a self-propelled mower a few years ago.
After a shower, that is almost as much work as working but cleaner, I felt kind of trembly, the spelling checker doesn't like that word but I don't know what to do with it to make it happy because jittery which the spell checker likes is not the right word. Anyway, I looked around for my sugar checker thing and didn't find it. So I had lunch.
Donna saved me the last of the lunch meat, two slices of hers and one of mine, and the last slice of bread (which reminds me I need to get another loaf out of the big freezer) for me to make a half-sandwich. Then my normal half-cup of frozen peas and carrots which I heat in the microwave and add a little fake butter for flavor (I think it is Promise this month). I already had a large glass of water, which I like to have either a half-hour or so before and, or, another about an hour or so afterwards. I'm hoping that will aid my digestion and not hinder.
After an hour and a half of nap, I did some other chores around the house: shredded some old papers that have our names with account numbers and such; folded some towels; ran the sweeper through the living room, hallway, and bedroom; put away some dishes from the drainer; ran the dishwasher; added more soap to the small dishwasher soap box from the bigger economy box (which was more work than I expected as I had to break up clods and lumps); and sat down to do this note.
I thought a day or so ago that perhaps I might just type ahead and ignore the errors, but that would sort of spoil the moment. After all, I'm having a good day.
This was a good day. A really good day. This morning I mowed the front lawn and trimmed a few bushes. It took me two hours and, after taking out the time for naps, was merely half-again as long as I would normally do it. I am so glad James talked me into a self-propelled mower a few years ago.
After a shower, that is almost as much work as working but cleaner, I felt kind of trembly, the spelling checker doesn't like that word but I don't know what to do with it to make it happy because jittery which the spell checker likes is not the right word. Anyway, I looked around for my sugar checker thing and didn't find it. So I had lunch.
Donna saved me the last of the lunch meat, two slices of hers and one of mine, and the last slice of bread (which reminds me I need to get another loaf out of the big freezer) for me to make a half-sandwich. Then my normal half-cup of frozen peas and carrots which I heat in the microwave and add a little fake butter for flavor (I think it is Promise this month). I already had a large glass of water, which I like to have either a half-hour or so before and, or, another about an hour or so afterwards. I'm hoping that will aid my digestion and not hinder.
After an hour and a half of nap, I did some other chores around the house: shredded some old papers that have our names with account numbers and such; folded some towels; ran the sweeper through the living room, hallway, and bedroom; put away some dishes from the drainer; ran the dishwasher; added more soap to the small dishwasher soap box from the bigger economy box (which was more work than I expected as I had to break up clods and lumps); and sat down to do this note.
I thought a day or so ago that perhaps I might just type ahead and ignore the errors, but that would sort of spoil the moment. After all, I'm having a good day.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
A Nice Day
Thursday, August 28, 2014
A good night's sleep. Feeling almost fresh and nearly normal. Thinking a little slowly but the world is bright and in focus.
Walking down the hall involved a little bit of course correction but this is just an affirming touch, not a running into doorways thing or grabbing for support like yesterday. I got around without a single moment even suggesting a fall or potential fall.
The closest thing to disorientation, however, was holding a thought. I needed to take out the trash and hopefully fetch the vehicle inspection from the Oldsmobile in order to renew the car tags online. I remembered both things, but since I had forgotten the keys to the car I would need to go back inside for that. I replaced the trash bag in the trash can and still remembered that I needed the car keys so that was good. When I went to get the keys I found myself in a different room wondering why I was there so I backtracked for the keys and got the paper from the car. Looking at the computer I remembered that I would need the tax receipt for a question that I remembered would be part of the online transaction. On the way to the room where that was I thought I would need my glasses also. I got my glasses and returned and forgot--as I write I forgot what I forgot but see it on the table in front of me and now the picture of my getting that tax receipt comes back into view.
I am surprised at how often I have to go back to correct typing errors. I used to be a pretty good typist and compared to how hard it was yesterday afternoon, I'm doing quite well.
A good night's sleep. Feeling almost fresh and nearly normal. Thinking a little slowly but the world is bright and in focus.
Walking down the hall involved a little bit of course correction but this is just an affirming touch, not a running into doorways thing or grabbing for support like yesterday. I got around without a single moment even suggesting a fall or potential fall.
The closest thing to disorientation, however, was holding a thought. I needed to take out the trash and hopefully fetch the vehicle inspection from the Oldsmobile in order to renew the car tags online. I remembered both things, but since I had forgotten the keys to the car I would need to go back inside for that. I replaced the trash bag in the trash can and still remembered that I needed the car keys so that was good. When I went to get the keys I found myself in a different room wondering why I was there so I backtracked for the keys and got the paper from the car. Looking at the computer I remembered that I would need the tax receipt for a question that I remembered would be part of the online transaction. On the way to the room where that was I thought I would need my glasses also. I got my glasses and returned and forgot--as I write I forgot what I forgot but see it on the table in front of me and now the picture of my getting that tax receipt comes back into view.
I am surprised at how often I have to go back to correct typing errors. I used to be a pretty good typist and compared to how hard it was yesterday afternoon, I'm doing quite well.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Afternoon Naps
August 27, 2014, Supplemental Note
Although I had already written a note this morning for today, the afternoon naps needed noting.
I had folded some towels and put them away and thought a nap would be nice. I write this having just awakened by a phone call from Donna and some things are not straight in my mind but sort of bubble up with clarity. If this doesn't make sense I'm sorry but I am trying to explain a moment that may explain, show, what is wrong. Something not right.
I lay down thinking. Flitting from thought to thought like a bird outside on a tree.I didn't think I was asleep when I awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. I sat up on the side of my bed and felt like I was tumbling into the floor but could see myself in the mirror. My head was bobbing in a different direction. It was confusing so I lay back down again. I remember glancing at the clock, my cellphone, and much more than the couple of minutes of seeming sleeplessness with my eyes closed had passed. I raised back up again, but more slowly, and could then get up to go to the bathroom. I only seemed wobbly when I washed my face after washing my hands after.
I laid back down, placing my cell phone on the pillow beside me, closed my eyes. I thought I was up, I don't remember what I was doing but suddenly things dissolved and the phone on the pillow appeared in the middle of my view. Donna was calling to see if I was 'up to' going to church tonight.
Well, I wasn't feeling up to much of anything.
The phone says she called at 3:55. I sat down to start this note at 4:02. It is now 4:28. I am thankfully not in pain, but I am not quite right.
Although I had already written a note this morning for today, the afternoon naps needed noting.
I had folded some towels and put them away and thought a nap would be nice. I write this having just awakened by a phone call from Donna and some things are not straight in my mind but sort of bubble up with clarity. If this doesn't make sense I'm sorry but I am trying to explain a moment that may explain, show, what is wrong. Something not right.
I lay down thinking. Flitting from thought to thought like a bird outside on a tree.I didn't think I was asleep when I awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. I sat up on the side of my bed and felt like I was tumbling into the floor but could see myself in the mirror. My head was bobbing in a different direction. It was confusing so I lay back down again. I remember glancing at the clock, my cellphone, and much more than the couple of minutes of seeming sleeplessness with my eyes closed had passed. I raised back up again, but more slowly, and could then get up to go to the bathroom. I only seemed wobbly when I washed my face after washing my hands after.
I laid back down, placing my cell phone on the pillow beside me, closed my eyes. I thought I was up, I don't remember what I was doing but suddenly things dissolved and the phone on the pillow appeared in the middle of my view. Donna was calling to see if I was 'up to' going to church tonight.
Well, I wasn't feeling up to much of anything.
The phone says she called at 3:55. I sat down to start this note at 4:02. It is now 4:28. I am thankfully not in pain, but I am not quite right.
Unbalanced
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Normal forgetfulness, such as unable to place the tune, much less the words, when I started to sing in the shower. One came to mind when I was almost through but only half of the chorus. Yesterday, I got a song book out and [why did my cursor just bounce to another place on the screen?] and sang a song through twice, all four verses and the chorus after each, and yet I had to go back to find a word that was missing a mere hour later. I don't remember the name of the song but I know that I've sang it often over most of my 60 years.
This morning, Donna told me to get the car tags for the Oldsmobile ordered online. I said we need to get it inspected. She said we already did. I remember getting the Mercury inspected. I remember Donna going with me recently for the oil change and vehicle inspection, but I thought that was for the Mercury. It was hard to connect the pictures in my memory. I am not convinced that I have but if we did then I have to.
The normal balance issues again today. I reached for the door post and missed at first try when needing to change my course a bit to leave the bedroom. I used my common trick of holding my right hand out just a little to stay in contact with the wall. It helps we walk a little straighter but I still found myself at the left side of the hallway before I got to the end.
There was something about some balance issues I had in the kitchen this morning that I know I wanted to note, but they simply aren't coming to me right now.
I had a nap of about 40 minutes. There was something I wanted to be sure to write down, prompting me to start this note. It seems I haven't covered it when rereading this note but I have no idea what it was now.
Normal forgetfulness, such as unable to place the tune, much less the words, when I started to sing in the shower. One came to mind when I was almost through but only half of the chorus. Yesterday, I got a song book out and [why did my cursor just bounce to another place on the screen?] and sang a song through twice, all four verses and the chorus after each, and yet I had to go back to find a word that was missing a mere hour later. I don't remember the name of the song but I know that I've sang it often over most of my 60 years.
This morning, Donna told me to get the car tags for the Oldsmobile ordered online. I said we need to get it inspected. She said we already did. I remember getting the Mercury inspected. I remember Donna going with me recently for the oil change and vehicle inspection, but I thought that was for the Mercury. It was hard to connect the pictures in my memory. I am not convinced that I have but if we did then I have to.
The normal balance issues again today. I reached for the door post and missed at first try when needing to change my course a bit to leave the bedroom. I used my common trick of holding my right hand out just a little to stay in contact with the wall. It helps we walk a little straighter but I still found myself at the left side of the hallway before I got to the end.
There was something about some balance issues I had in the kitchen this morning that I know I wanted to note, but they simply aren't coming to me right now.
I had a nap of about 40 minutes. There was something I wanted to be sure to write down, prompting me to start this note. It seems I haven't covered it when rereading this note but I have no idea what it was now.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Eventful weekend. Emotional meltdown when grandson started crying. Autistic four year old. He ran to me and I held him and sang "his" song to him: Jesus Loves Me. He stopped crying. I started and didn't stop for a long time.
Saturday was interesting. Went to KMart. Donna's parents were visiting and they like that store. I was standing near the check-out line and a woman in an electric-motor shopping cart tapped me on the arm. "Do you need this cart? I'll stand if you need it," she said with a worried voice. I politely declined. At least I think I did.
Sunday I awoke from a dream with urgency. Something out of Dr. Who, which never impressed me. So I thought. Friends were helping me move. Loading things, more things than I own, into the back of a camper-shell covered pickup. From inside it was bigger than my living room but from outside it was a small bed pickup. A hail storm started. I searched for Donna's parents to make sure they got out of the storm. That woke me up. I remembered that they would be loading their car to go home this morning. Hurrying to put my jeans on and help them, I stumbled more than I am right now trying to type straight.
I was no help. Too dizzy and clumsy. Went back to bed after they left. I had my instant nap where it was 30 minutes later when I opened my eyes a minute after closing them. Amazing change. Not dizzy, clear-headed, alert.
This morning, Monday, when my alarm went off I shut off my CPAP and rolled over. That instant nap was a little over an hour. I felt fine but dizziness crept up. I had trouble focusing. I almost lost my balance (I was typing away and realized that no letters were appearing--I do hope that was a computer glitch and not me). Balance, yes, while trying to bring my face to see the numbers. Then I turned to go elsewhere in the kitchen and thought I was about to fall because I missed the doorway when I tried to catch myself but grabbed just as I was going down. I covered the bowl of left-over gravy and went to heat it up, but opened the refrigerator door instead of the microwave.
I didn't want to write this but felt like I needed to try. Too much and too long. I didn't want some of this to simply fall into the empty holes.
Eventful weekend. Emotional meltdown when grandson started crying. Autistic four year old. He ran to me and I held him and sang "his" song to him: Jesus Loves Me. He stopped crying. I started and didn't stop for a long time.
Saturday was interesting. Went to KMart. Donna's parents were visiting and they like that store. I was standing near the check-out line and a woman in an electric-motor shopping cart tapped me on the arm. "Do you need this cart? I'll stand if you need it," she said with a worried voice. I politely declined. At least I think I did.
Sunday I awoke from a dream with urgency. Something out of Dr. Who, which never impressed me. So I thought. Friends were helping me move. Loading things, more things than I own, into the back of a camper-shell covered pickup. From inside it was bigger than my living room but from outside it was a small bed pickup. A hail storm started. I searched for Donna's parents to make sure they got out of the storm. That woke me up. I remembered that they would be loading their car to go home this morning. Hurrying to put my jeans on and help them, I stumbled more than I am right now trying to type straight.
I was no help. Too dizzy and clumsy. Went back to bed after they left. I had my instant nap where it was 30 minutes later when I opened my eyes a minute after closing them. Amazing change. Not dizzy, clear-headed, alert.
This morning, Monday, when my alarm went off I shut off my CPAP and rolled over. That instant nap was a little over an hour. I felt fine but dizziness crept up. I had trouble focusing. I almost lost my balance (I was typing away and realized that no letters were appearing--I do hope that was a computer glitch and not me). Balance, yes, while trying to bring my face to see the numbers. Then I turned to go elsewhere in the kitchen and thought I was about to fall because I missed the doorway when I tried to catch myself but grabbed just as I was going down. I covered the bowl of left-over gravy and went to heat it up, but opened the refrigerator door instead of the microwave.
I didn't want to write this but felt like I needed to try. Too much and too long. I didn't want some of this to simply fall into the empty holes.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Entering the Twilight Zone
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Monday I had a series of tests that would, hopefully, provide some clues as to 'what ails me'. There was one set of tests that simply amazed me. I had taken a test like that many years ago and finished the whole page with time to spare, but this time was so very, very different. There was a short code for a basic set of numbers, essentially 0 through 9, or 1 through 9, I forget which but a small set nonetheless. When time ran out, I think I was starting either the third or fourth row, I only had three of those codes memorized.
There was my Charlie Brown moment on another test. A series of words, things, was given, and then given, and given, and somewhere an exasperated "one more time" was given for a second time. It was a simple memory thing that making a chain would solve. I remember it started with Truck, then Spinach, then Giraffe, and the chain, the pictures, the pegs, the . . . every trick I tried, was not coming to me. I had little snippets of sets of things that seemed to be somewhat in order relative to other snippets of things. Since the normal sequencing efforts failed, I tried bunching things that were somewhat alike. That got a curious smile and I realized shortly later why when she asked me questions like: name just the animals, name just the vegetables, name just the modes of transportation. I got the feeling like the several lists had different numbers of items, but an increasing number of more solidly remembered things. Then there were a couple of things that I fairly often guessed were there but wasn't really sure. So then I hear, "Now we have a different list . . ." at which moment my heart sank and I thought, "I'm doomed." When I was asked to identify from a list of names which were on the first list--that was simple, those names were familiar. The only thing I remember of the second list was that violin was an early item.
Angela was administering the tests (and if her name wasn't that then it is the label I am giving her for this conversation) and said that she was glad that I tried hard because it would make for better results. At the beginning of the testing she said I was not to feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment if my results did not match my expectations. I did not feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment--I was shocked, astounded, and befuddled at how poorly I performed. I don't know what that test tells others, but my personal self-image based on what I used to be. I don't know if Donna caught it, but there was a time when walking back to the car that I was quietly humming "The Old Grey Mare (ain't what she used to be)" in hopes that no one would strike up the band for a rousing "If I only had a brain".
After that, I had the feeling my head were stuffed with cotton and when I got home I went straight to bed. Donna lay next to me. It seemed as if she were wanting me to cuddle, or more, but nothing was stirring. I rolled over and she suggested that I put my CPAP machine to work. It was like one of those 'passed out' moments of sleep where I closed my eyes and then opened them immediately later but it was much later, two hours later. I took care of my bathroom need and laid back down, without the CPAP. I closed my eyes and they popped open so quickly that I just knew no time had passed, but the shadows were wrong. It was an hour and a half later still. I have no idea when Donna got up, dressed, and left the room but she did.
Tuesday seemed like a good day. I seem to think that I felt rested and alert. I remember that at some time in the afternoon I felt flummoxed at the realization that I had just written something completely incomprehensible so I stopped to work on another task. I don't remember what it was. I got a text message, which I did not read because it would be James saying he was on his way to take me home. I didn't bother reading it but closed things down right away because I had made him wait the last couple of times he came for me. Walking out of the building, into the brightness of the waning day, I realized that everything, everything, was very blurred. There was a dark car, and the driver had the familiar wrap-around iridescent bug-eyed sunglasses (I don't know why these words are here or where above they belong but this "and turned around" is at the end of the text I am typing). Well, I went to open the door, but it was locked. I tapped on the window by the lock and the driver hit the unlock button. As I started to step into the car it suddenly looked unfamiliar. A young woman spoke and said, "I'm sorry but this is the wrong car." I backed up so fast that I thought I was going to fall down. I apologized profusely, shut the car door, and retreated toward the building entrance. Looking at the text, James said he had to finish something and would be a bit late.
Wednesday, today, started out in great fashion. I was alert but the morning sun's brightness hurt my eyes so I closed them for most of the way to work as Donna drove. She, and I, no longer trust my driving, plus Dr. Jennifer was quite clear that I shouldn't. I didn't go to sleep or even want to. The double kick of Nuvigil and my restarted Advair (for my asthma) got me going just shy of jittery. Arriving at work, however, there was the indication that the day would not be as nice as I hoped. I was dizzy on standing up, which by now is normal. I turned and saw my lunch in the back seat and reached for it--the window was not open. Trying to open the locked door, Donna clicked the button unlocking the doors, but I reached around to unlock the now unlocked door anyway, realizing it just as my hand touched the knob. I got my lunch, said good bye, and tried to get the handicap door push plate to read my key fob.
Inside and to the elevator (I am forbidden from using the stairs but was feeling too tired at the moment to even consider it after a very long short walk from the handicap entrance to the elevators). I leaned against the elevator wall to rest for the long trip up the single floor to where my office is. I was short of breath and knew this was not a good way to start a day.
At my office I began to start the coffee. Standing over the trash can I had to think in order to take the lid off the drip canister and then dump the previous day's grounds into the trash. When I was at the water fountain to rinse and then fill the pitcher (I just typed picture) I started to put it under the fountain with the lid down. The rest was largely normal for the next half-hour.
Going down to chapel, every Wednesday morning, I almost fell atop a woman sitting on the end of the last row as I had balance problems making the corner to the aisle. The school president, Dr. Gary, was speaking, on change. It is inevitable, unavoidable. Necessary. While we were filing out he was directly behind me and I commented, "Encouraged everyone to embrace change and here I am the twig that is about to be pruned." He gave a soft smile (he knows) and a comforting pat on my shoulder.
A little over an hour later came the moment when I knew that I wasn't going to be any good here. I had entered the Twilight Zone. I tried to read where I left off at the previous writing of how my replacement will need to do my job. I got lost in a reference to earlier and when I found it the writing simply was incomprehensible to me.
Plunging ahead, I went back to start the next point in the task. I described paragraph styles and the one needed for formatting the book's Title and Pro, the word isn't coming to me, but the next page, which has the copyright page on its back. I described how the new "brand" scheme dictated that those titles be in all caps but our division management prefers title case. I named and described the pertinent paragraph style and how to place the Title Case text and how if the over-something condition is reset that the default was for all caps and it would change. Then I clicked to make sure of a little detail in my instructions, the exact wording of my instructions precisely matched what the operator would see in the program--it didn't work. I tried again and it didn't work. I looked at the two pages affected with those instructions and they were suddenly different. I glanced over at the paragraph style description I had so meticulously described, and then back at the program--they weren't the same.
I looked at what I had written and it was full of description, specific and technical description, that did not apply to what I was now looking at in the program. I checked that I was in the right parts of the document. This was simply too strange.
I called Donna to take me home, and she did. I had a bit of lunch and then a nap. It was a close my eyes and suddenly 30 minutes later when I opened them. We did some work around the house. She had taken the week off for taxi service to my doctor's appointments and get ready for her parents to come to visit. Kylie will be seven on Friday and it was going to be a good party. I got tired and took another nap. This was not the same. I felt like a ghost exploring sounds in the house through a dark fog even though I realized it was in the middle of the day. I heard a noise and I was staring at the ceiling of my bedroom at a quarter to five. I laid down around 3:30.
As I started this note, I wondered why I chose that title. Then I remembered why I was home and not at work. I couldn't write. Now, almost 8 PM, it is as the song, "all coming back to me now." As often as I used to kick myself over little faults and failures, perhaps this memory loss is a good thing. It isn't "all" coming back and that change is a bit of blessing in disguise.
Monday I had a series of tests that would, hopefully, provide some clues as to 'what ails me'. There was one set of tests that simply amazed me. I had taken a test like that many years ago and finished the whole page with time to spare, but this time was so very, very different. There was a short code for a basic set of numbers, essentially 0 through 9, or 1 through 9, I forget which but a small set nonetheless. When time ran out, I think I was starting either the third or fourth row, I only had three of those codes memorized.
There was my Charlie Brown moment on another test. A series of words, things, was given, and then given, and given, and somewhere an exasperated "one more time" was given for a second time. It was a simple memory thing that making a chain would solve. I remember it started with Truck, then Spinach, then Giraffe, and the chain, the pictures, the pegs, the . . . every trick I tried, was not coming to me. I had little snippets of sets of things that seemed to be somewhat in order relative to other snippets of things. Since the normal sequencing efforts failed, I tried bunching things that were somewhat alike. That got a curious smile and I realized shortly later why when she asked me questions like: name just the animals, name just the vegetables, name just the modes of transportation. I got the feeling like the several lists had different numbers of items, but an increasing number of more solidly remembered things. Then there were a couple of things that I fairly often guessed were there but wasn't really sure. So then I hear, "Now we have a different list . . ." at which moment my heart sank and I thought, "I'm doomed." When I was asked to identify from a list of names which were on the first list--that was simple, those names were familiar. The only thing I remember of the second list was that violin was an early item.
Angela was administering the tests (and if her name wasn't that then it is the label I am giving her for this conversation) and said that she was glad that I tried hard because it would make for better results. At the beginning of the testing she said I was not to feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment if my results did not match my expectations. I did not feel guilt, shame, or embarrassment--I was shocked, astounded, and befuddled at how poorly I performed. I don't know what that test tells others, but my personal self-image based on what I used to be. I don't know if Donna caught it, but there was a time when walking back to the car that I was quietly humming "The Old Grey Mare (ain't what she used to be)" in hopes that no one would strike up the band for a rousing "If I only had a brain".
After that, I had the feeling my head were stuffed with cotton and when I got home I went straight to bed. Donna lay next to me. It seemed as if she were wanting me to cuddle, or more, but nothing was stirring. I rolled over and she suggested that I put my CPAP machine to work. It was like one of those 'passed out' moments of sleep where I closed my eyes and then opened them immediately later but it was much later, two hours later. I took care of my bathroom need and laid back down, without the CPAP. I closed my eyes and they popped open so quickly that I just knew no time had passed, but the shadows were wrong. It was an hour and a half later still. I have no idea when Donna got up, dressed, and left the room but she did.
Tuesday seemed like a good day. I seem to think that I felt rested and alert. I remember that at some time in the afternoon I felt flummoxed at the realization that I had just written something completely incomprehensible so I stopped to work on another task. I don't remember what it was. I got a text message, which I did not read because it would be James saying he was on his way to take me home. I didn't bother reading it but closed things down right away because I had made him wait the last couple of times he came for me. Walking out of the building, into the brightness of the waning day, I realized that everything, everything, was very blurred. There was a dark car, and the driver had the familiar wrap-around iridescent bug-eyed sunglasses (I don't know why these words are here or where above they belong but this "and turned around" is at the end of the text I am typing). Well, I went to open the door, but it was locked. I tapped on the window by the lock and the driver hit the unlock button. As I started to step into the car it suddenly looked unfamiliar. A young woman spoke and said, "I'm sorry but this is the wrong car." I backed up so fast that I thought I was going to fall down. I apologized profusely, shut the car door, and retreated toward the building entrance. Looking at the text, James said he had to finish something and would be a bit late.
Wednesday, today, started out in great fashion. I was alert but the morning sun's brightness hurt my eyes so I closed them for most of the way to work as Donna drove. She, and I, no longer trust my driving, plus Dr. Jennifer was quite clear that I shouldn't. I didn't go to sleep or even want to. The double kick of Nuvigil and my restarted Advair (for my asthma) got me going just shy of jittery. Arriving at work, however, there was the indication that the day would not be as nice as I hoped. I was dizzy on standing up, which by now is normal. I turned and saw my lunch in the back seat and reached for it--the window was not open. Trying to open the locked door, Donna clicked the button unlocking the doors, but I reached around to unlock the now unlocked door anyway, realizing it just as my hand touched the knob. I got my lunch, said good bye, and tried to get the handicap door push plate to read my key fob.
Inside and to the elevator (I am forbidden from using the stairs but was feeling too tired at the moment to even consider it after a very long short walk from the handicap entrance to the elevators). I leaned against the elevator wall to rest for the long trip up the single floor to where my office is. I was short of breath and knew this was not a good way to start a day.
At my office I began to start the coffee. Standing over the trash can I had to think in order to take the lid off the drip canister and then dump the previous day's grounds into the trash. When I was at the water fountain to rinse and then fill the pitcher (I just typed picture) I started to put it under the fountain with the lid down. The rest was largely normal for the next half-hour.
Going down to chapel, every Wednesday morning, I almost fell atop a woman sitting on the end of the last row as I had balance problems making the corner to the aisle. The school president, Dr. Gary, was speaking, on change. It is inevitable, unavoidable. Necessary. While we were filing out he was directly behind me and I commented, "Encouraged everyone to embrace change and here I am the twig that is about to be pruned." He gave a soft smile (he knows) and a comforting pat on my shoulder.
A little over an hour later came the moment when I knew that I wasn't going to be any good here. I had entered the Twilight Zone. I tried to read where I left off at the previous writing of how my replacement will need to do my job. I got lost in a reference to earlier and when I found it the writing simply was incomprehensible to me.
Plunging ahead, I went back to start the next point in the task. I described paragraph styles and the one needed for formatting the book's Title and Pro, the word isn't coming to me, but the next page, which has the copyright page on its back. I described how the new "brand" scheme dictated that those titles be in all caps but our division management prefers title case. I named and described the pertinent paragraph style and how to place the Title Case text and how if the over-something condition is reset that the default was for all caps and it would change. Then I clicked to make sure of a little detail in my instructions, the exact wording of my instructions precisely matched what the operator would see in the program--it didn't work. I tried again and it didn't work. I looked at the two pages affected with those instructions and they were suddenly different. I glanced over at the paragraph style description I had so meticulously described, and then back at the program--they weren't the same.
I looked at what I had written and it was full of description, specific and technical description, that did not apply to what I was now looking at in the program. I checked that I was in the right parts of the document. This was simply too strange.
I called Donna to take me home, and she did. I had a bit of lunch and then a nap. It was a close my eyes and suddenly 30 minutes later when I opened them. We did some work around the house. She had taken the week off for taxi service to my doctor's appointments and get ready for her parents to come to visit. Kylie will be seven on Friday and it was going to be a good party. I got tired and took another nap. This was not the same. I felt like a ghost exploring sounds in the house through a dark fog even though I realized it was in the middle of the day. I heard a noise and I was staring at the ceiling of my bedroom at a quarter to five. I laid down around 3:30.
As I started this note, I wondered why I chose that title. Then I remembered why I was home and not at work. I couldn't write. Now, almost 8 PM, it is as the song, "all coming back to me now." As often as I used to kick myself over little faults and failures, perhaps this memory loss is a good thing. It isn't "all" coming back and that change is a bit of blessing in disguise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)