Muddled Morning

8/15/14

Things are physically and mentally awkward this morning. The shower was clumsy. Drying off was clumsy. I could neither find words nor tune to sing or hum. Forgot to hang my washcloth on the shower door and I had to screw up my courage to reach out to the towel rack to get it.

Before the shower Donna asked me not to 'hike my leg up' to 'wash my toes'. I'm sure she meant when I dry my legs so I didn't. I thought of that when I had hesitancy in the shower because of balance issues, and that was with my eyes open. Long ago I got a fungal infection. The doctor called it 'jungle rot' although I had not been to the jungle. Since I was showering in a college dorm someone else obviously had. It left two 'scars' on my lower abdomen above my pubic area, a sort of blood poisoning kind of stain around the veins there.

Shower, toes, so I am careful to wash my toes because when I don't the fungus flares up again a few days later.

I wanted to tell about a meeting at work yesterday afternoon. I felt too tired to write or even think to write yesterday evening. It may have been better if I had.

Donna wanted to talk to my bosses about my job. She didn't trust that I was relaying everything to her and I am pretty much leaving her in charge of my care. Sometimes I don't think about things. Sometimes I can't think about things. Sometimes I can't be sure of my thinking when I think about things.

Robert was there, the old H.R. director. Jamie, the new H.R. director, was there. Dr. Carl, my department boss was there. Donna and I was there. I had sent a note some time before, Wednesday or Tuesday or even Monday, I'm not sure. Since that call from the insurance company about my disability claim, which was denied because I was still working and they didn't have enough medical proof of a disability. Long sentence. Sorry, I won't fix it.

I sent an email sometime to explain that while I have still some time off saved, I do hope that they would be so kind as to not fire me before it got down to my final two weeks worth. I sent a copy of that to Donna. She was alarmed but I thought it was a fair request.

Dr. Carl first said he wasn't going to fire me before this gets settled. Later, I thought he said he was going to write a letter. I thought it was about terminating me. I know we all felt comforted and pleased although I don't know now exactly why since those two ideas don't exactly seem to fit together.

Robert was making notes and asked if we should say this started getting serious in the last three months. Dr. Carl said it was getting worse in the last six weeks. He said he saw me stumble three times. I don't know which times but I don't remember of the ones that come to mind when he was around.

Dr. Carl said Dr. Gary, his boss, the school head, asked if I was still driving. Dr. Carl told Dr. Gary that someone helped me get to my car one day at the end of the day. Dr. Carl said it worried him that I then drove away. I thought hard then, and several times since, and I do not remember that happening. Donna said she was doing all the driving now and had been for several weeks.

Dr. Carl said Dr. Gary did not want me working for the school AND driving, Dr. Carl emphasized the 'and'.

Dr. Carl then ask when I was going to see the lung doctor. I could say it yesterday but today I can't spell it without getting flagged for a spelling error. He told of my being pleased that I could walk the several flights of stairs for a staff meeting and only get winded on the last set. He said that I often had trouble breathing when I took the stairs. Ms. Jamie spoke up. She firmly looked at me and said that I should never take the stairs again but use the elevators only. With all the heads of everyone nodding in agreement I didn't have the nerve to dispute it.

Robert then summarized some of the things that Dr. Carl said. Robert said he would make note of them when he was ready for the next application for my disability. Something else there but I don't remember what.

I asked if my being taken off of the faculty list was in there. Everyone seemed surprised. I described how Dr. Willard, my faculty dean, ordered that I be removed from grading and professor of record lists. I described that I was invited, and participated in two faculty events afterward but at the last one when I went to initial that I was present on the attendance paper my name was not on it. I looked around and no body was looking at or talking to me. I thought I was still on the faculty email list and the Outlook calendar notified me of the meeting from the faculty announcement list. I felt like I was being shunned. While I didn't tell of that feeling I relived the sense of it.

Dr. Carl told Robert that this definitely should go on the list. Robert said it would be good to have the date when I was officially demoted. Reminding again of the other two meetings I was involved in, I said I really have nothing drawing the line that cut me off. I don't remember whether Robert said he would get it from Dr. Willard or that I was supposed to but I think he was.

Dr. Carl spoke up and said that while he is my friend, he had his supervisor responsibilities and things simply cannot continue in the present direction. He said some other things that aren't coming to me but that I recall feeling comforted though they seemed to describe a 'writing on the wall' kind of thing. I certainly have a feeling of what I was feeling although the details simply aren't available right now.

Dr. Carl wanted to hear about the reports from these next three examinations. Robert described that he had copies of the previous reports that I got from our medical insurance company. This reminds me that I can take down that folder on my share file now. There was something about 'hiding in plain sight' that I told him when I moved the folder there after he said my links to the files would not work for him earlier. That is why I am being careful to only using everyone's first name on this blog.

Oh my, I am way over the time I was going to allow myself for these notes.